you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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