I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
is wine microwaveable?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
