its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize