Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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