I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
