it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
