I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
