You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
