Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
