Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
