I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
