what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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