Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
