Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
