Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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