Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
