why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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