i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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