Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
