After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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