Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
