dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
