i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
