Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
