I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
