yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
