OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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