Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
