Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
