I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
