: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
