Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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