Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
