You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize