Apparently you make a good broom.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize