My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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