I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i already hear my dad disowning me
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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