so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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