you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
