I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
