All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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