EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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