you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
