I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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