textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
