I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize