So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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