I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
