Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
