seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
