Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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