I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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