I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
