So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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