Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize