i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
