I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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