my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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