I heard we made out
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
