dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
mondays should just be called national damage control day
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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