Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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