The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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